Hi Sarah. This sounds like a really complicated situation – I’m sorry you’re having to go through it.
I too loved my ex-husband with every piece of my heart & truly believed that he loved me too and would always be there for me. When it came to it, I asked him if he still loved me – he too said ‘i love you but i’m not IN love with you’ after which the pandora’s box was opened. I tried to fight but i said the exact same thing, that ‘it takes 2 to make a marriage work’. Me trying to save it alone was futile.
In the months that ensued, in among the heartbreak, i also asked myself ‘why did he marry me?’ ‘was any of it real?’ ‘what did i do?’ ‘what is love?’ ‘does love really exist?’ ‘can love ever be forever?’ ‘did he mean any of it?’ ‘if this wasn’t love then what is?’ etc I lost any belief in love and believed i would never trust in anyone’s words ever again. I was totally turned off love and dating. I felt so let down, betrayed, confused, angry, sad, duped and bitter. I can only describe it as my heart feeling totally shot to sh1t. Maybe you can relate right now? There is hope though.
A year later, i am less pessimistic about love. I can’t say i am healed from the past but i can definitely say that i have found love and enjoyment elsewhere in my life (friends, family, hobbies, work). This kind of happened subconsciously over time – give yourself time to discover happiness again too.
Yes i think about how my past will affect my future relationships (I’m actually open to the idea of a relationship now which is progress)but, in all honesty, everyone worries if their other half loves them as much as they do and everyone worries their other half may leave. Yes, for us it will be more difficult to believe in such word as ‘i love you’ but it’s just a case of finding someone who will take the time to rebuild and restore our trust in being loved. Do not ever view this as a hindrance though because every single person has relationship issues of some kind that need to be worked on.
Right now, really focus on looking out for yourself, getting heart and head strong again, and riding out the ups and downs of the healing process. Be kind to yourself and know that it takes time to feel ‘right’ again.
I hope you find some solace in what I’ve written. I know your pain so I am trying to tell you what I could have benefited from hearing when I was going through it all.
Bianca x