Am I Wrong for Wanting Divorce?
June 5, 2020 at 4:30 pm
Sorry if this is long. I don’t have much of a support structure.
I was married at 21 (male) to my then 20 yo wife. At that time I had a lot of friends, and excellent relationships with my friends, and she was somewhat outgoing.
As we continue on she became controlling. I did something wrong everyday. She became a homebody. Would get upset when I went out, and would continually ask questions (where are you, when will you be home, etc). This even goes for a quick trip to the grocery store. It became to the point I no longer had friends to go out with, and she didn’t want to go out.
Roughly two years ago we had our first child. Her mom has been incredibly involved, where my parents have been pushed aside. She hasn’t liked my parents 100% from the beginning, but even more now. They live 30 minutes away and have only seen our daughter a handful of times. She won’t let anyone watch her. My mother gave her a taste of bean juice once, which caused a text to be sent out where my parents then wrote me off. We repaired that, and from then on it became lying to my parents about seeing them to avoid fighting with my wife. My parents want to be heavily involved as I am an only child, so this is their first grandchild. My wife thinks they are being crazy, where I do not. I have always been extremely close with my parents, and in the past 2 years they have written me off on 3 different occasions because of actions from my wife. She is absolutely crazy over our child. I have never had one input about how she will be raised, what she will eat, so, etc.
Her mom is very involved like I mentioned so there are always pictures of them. She has been around my mother 1 time with our daughter. It’s saddening actually to see these young times pass without my daughter and my parents interacting.
My wife has always had anxiety and depression issues. When I talk to her she begins crying and it’s tough to have a serious conversation. I think when I got married young it’s because I wanted that, without looking ahead.
She hasn’t met all of my 9 co-workers, not a single family member on my dads side, hardly anyone on my moms side, or many of my friends. We have maybe been on 1 double date with another couple.
I’m at the point, it’s been building up that I’m not happy anymore. I want to go do things, have friends, go on dates (leaving kid with babysitter), and just in general have fun! I understand having a child comes with responsibility, 100%.
I want someone who is involved in my friends, family, interests, etc. someone who wants to leave the house. We have turned into completely polar opposites, because I think I have realized I can’t continue to be controlled and have no say in anything.
When I’m around her, my anxiety is so bad I can hardly breathe. We have sex maybe 1 time every 2 or 3 months and I don’t feel the passion too. Kissing her before I leave is difficult. I have developed bad depression also, where I maybe eat 1.5 meals a day, have terrible sleeping habits.
I guess I’m wondering, I don’t expect an answer that I’m making the wrong decision by wanting a divorce. My concern is hurting her, and being hated by everyone. I’ve told her that I’m not happy, just in general. She was upset that she doesn’t make me happy, and I will just say I don’t know what’s wrong, and that nothing makes me happy.
Has anyone dealt with any of these same issues? What input is there? I have counseling in 5 days but I can’t wait that long to talk about it.
I should mention I am now 26 and we are approaching the 5 year mark.
Thank you
Reply
Hi John,
First off you are not wrong for wanting a divorce, or anything for that matter. People want what they want and that’s okay. There is no correct situation or amount of justification that makes our desires okay or not. And yes I think that applies even when we are married and have young kids. In fact I think knowing what you want is already a huge step. A lot of people I know who are much older than you cannot say that.
What you are going through sounds really hard and stressful. I experienced much of the same things you have. For me it was a feeling of being trapped and stuck and like I could not get out, no matter how much I struggled inside. I bottled everything up. But it affected my health and led me to substance misuse. Eventually it came exploding out in horribly dramatic fashion and people got hurt. But it’s okay now.
Good job going to therapy. That is a really mature and healthy decision. Talking about it will help. I hope you found someone to talk to these past few days too. Remember – your pain is valid. You are human and you are loved. You are taking action. Be well. -R