Getting past the anger

[Leah]

January 7, 2016 at 12:37 pm

Very recently separated and totally blindsided, wondering how others have moved past the anger?  And no, I don’t jog.

Reply

[Jessica Ehrenworth]

Hi Leah,

The anger is part of working through the emotional process. We often deem anger as bad but it is one emotion that helps lead us to change.

I am a therapist (featured on this site) and I have also gone through my own divorce. I find that writing out your emotions can often help. Writing your ex a letter (but never mailing it).

I used a lot of prayer and visualization techniques and once I was in a place to really focus on what I wanted my life and my relationship as a co-parent to be, I made tiny steps to get there.

I also had to do a lot of reframing of my thoughts (taking them from negative to more positive).

Nothing takes away the pain. But talking it through, gaining understandings that make more sens, using healthy emotional outlets and time all help the healing process.

There have been good days and bad days. I have seen many go through this process and while it is not easy, the other side can be filled with great surprises.

I hope this helps. I am always here if you need to talk. 🙂

[mike]

I have had a similar situation but since it was my wife who blindsided me I haven’t had as much support.  You have to live through the anger… feel it and embrace it! It takes a long time … I am 9 months in and I am still furious.  People tell me to let it go and move on.  All great advice just not advice I am able to follow at the moment.  So be patient and ride the wave… wish I could tell you there was an immediate fix but there isn’t! (PS. I don’t jog either but am considering a dog!)

 

[donna]

You need to feel the anger and then learn how to move past it.  Healing takes time (whether you jog or not) 🙂

 

[Char]

I hung onto anger and resentment for quite some time.  As I started to heal, I realized that the resentment was only hurting me and I slowly let it go.  It gave me a sense of peace and contentment.  I don’t jog either but I did discover that working out (in any form) is a great release.  Getting support from family and friends is key.

[Melanie Dardanou]

Hi Leah,

Like everyone says, anger is a very natural reaction. Going a bit deeper, it’s a result of rejection and can be devastating since you feel complete powerless in the situation. Feeling rejected affects our self-worth and how valued we feel in general and that’s really what I think needs to be addressed in order to move passed the anger. Sure, write a letter, do some kickboxing or scream in a room by yourself if you want to get it out, but I would also recommend beginning to rebuild yourself up again. Realize that this is his problem and not a reflection of your worth. Focus on rebuilding yourself by identifying all the amazing things you bring to the table, your accomplishments, strengths and values. I have a few tools I used for myself when I went through my divorce and it totally worked.

See yourself for the amazing woman that you are and suddenly the anger fades away because in the end, he’s the one who lost out on someone like you.

Hope this helps, wishing you success.

Melanie

[Candace]

I am also stuck in my anger.  I read Melanie’s response and I know its what I SHOULD do.. I just can’t seem to do it.

 

[Howard]

I have been there! As a man we get little sympathy and no one wants to hear about our anger.  I found exercise and focussing on work and my kids helped me through those dark days.  The good news is that you will be fine  — it just takes time!

 

[Amy Bradley]

I am so angry at my ex right now because he is placing all the blame on me and acting as if he did nothing to contribute to the problems in our relationship,