Newly decided to divorce… Now what
December 10, 2018 at 12:09 pm
So 3 days ago when I was fixing our daughters car, my wife came in and said she wanted a divorce. It has been an up and down relationship early on and the again for the last 4 years. I guess some background would help. She always thought I was sleeping around (with every girl I knew) in our relationship early on (which never happened). When we got engaged she cheated on me and we split up. About 2 months later we were back together and decided to get married. After getting married she slept with 1 other person which I know of for sure, we stayed together and I have never brought this up. 3 kids and 12 years later, I made the same mistake. Now it is 4 years later and she does not trust me (with reason). She says since then I have changed and she is not in love with me anymore. I considered this to be the only thing I regret in my life so far, how would this not change someone. I was diagnosed with high functioning aspergers 3 years ago, which explained to an extent why I struggle in relationships (and always have). I was going through counseling for this (due to many issues stemming from this) for a few years and suggested that she come with me to help understand why I do what I do. This doesn’t make it easier to live with me but might have helped understand why I am the way I am. She refused. When I suggested her to have counseling or for us to do marriage counseling she refused. Over the last 2 years I have slowly separated myself from our relationship. It seemed that everything I did was not good enough or was wrong, and I was fed up with the constant demeaning and bickering. So I did what I’m good at, Shutting down. So when we talked Friday she said I have not been giving her what she needed for years and she couldn’t be with me anymore… And the dreaded “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. I know that because of my problems I struggle in relationships and she was probably right. I am still in love with her but it is not fair to her to not get what she needs from me emotionally and not fair to me to be constantly put down because of it. So I agreed. We aren’t telling the kids til after Christmas and are coming up with a plan to proceed from there. I started off as pretty emotional and now it is just anger. We bought a new home 8 months ago and I don’t want anything but my personal items and 50% custody of the kids….. I’m in process of finishing the basement, but how do want to complete something knowing there’s a chance that another guy will be using it. The worst part is that she has a whole network of friends, I literally only hang out with her friends and feel alone. Is letting go of someone you are in love with because it benefits both of you wrong???? Any advice or support would be appreciated!
Reply
<span style=”font-family: Century Gothic, Arial, sans-serif;”><span style=”font-size: 14px;”>You ask “Is letting go of someone you are in love with because it benefits both of you wrong?” Absolutely not. My wife left me stunned when she asked if I wanted to split. We were married 26 years with three kids and I thought we were fine. She had changed somewhat, but I was still crazy in love with her and figured her new interests were a phase and they wouldn’t really impact us as a family. More and more, I saw she just wanted something different. I went through all the emotions. Shock was a big one. Sadness was bigger. Anger only lasted a short time. I still wonder sometimes why she felt she needed something different, but my friends and family keep telling me now how much better I seem. And I have to admit when the stress of wondering whether she might leave or not was hanging over my shoulder, it was way worse. It took me a long time to see that. It’s almost two years since she left. It got ugly a bit for a while why we sorted out the separation details (she had to pay me), but when the divorce papers recently arrived it didn’t really bother me near as much as i thought it would. You do move on. Two of my kids are mostly good with it. The third is still struggling. But they all love me and that means so much. A lot of words to tell you that basically, it does get better. Good luck.</span></span>