Will this pain end
March 8, 2018 at 5:31 pm
Hello Everyone,
My name is Stuart, I am 27 years old and up until 5 weeks ago I was happily married with a two year old child, 5 weeks later the love of my life is gone, as is my house and immediate access to my child.
My wife, Becky is the same age as me and we had gone through school together so have known each other a long time, we have been a couple for 7 years and married for three. In addition to living together we also work together as well so have always been a constant presence in each others lives over the relationship. Over the last two years we have both battled a number of personal tragedies (Our child was born ill, a number of relatives died all that sort of nasty stuff) which really put our relationship to the test but I always felt we made it through these tough times because we did it together. Despite these issues as recently as October where we trying for a second child with discussion of buying our first property in the coming months.
Every now and again we would have the odd small disagreement over the way something was being done in our house but throughout our relationship things were generally quite harmonious and I honestly felt I had it perfect, the dream life a beautiful wife, gorgeous little boy a lovely property and a great job.
Just over 5 weeks ago, one morning I went to give Becky a kiss before work and she just turned away from me, that evening she came home and just said to me that things weren’t working anymore, she felt our spark had fizzled out, our bond was broken and that we could no longer continue in a relationship with me. I left the family home and moved back to my parents in the hope some space may help the situation, 7 days later when I went to pickup our son my world fell apart even further.
I have always trusted Becky implicitly but around mid November she told me she had lost her sex drive, around a similar time she regularly stared talking about a mutual colleague whom we were both friends with, this was to the point I even joked about him being her bit on the side. Anyway, the morning I went to pick up our son Becky had left her phone on the bed unlocked on the message screen where I was able to see a number of messages from this mutual colleague, in these messages they in extremely graphic sexual detail intimated the things they wanted to do to each other and were actively arranging to meet for sex, HE is also married with two children. My wife denied an affair and stated that it was only texting and the “thing” between them started the day she left me and stemmed from him giving her attention over the last few weeks. Even if no affair did take place the fact this started on day one of our breakup suggested to me that she had left me for him. Since then it has all become public knowledge and the other man seems to have backed off (through fear of his wife finding out) but my wife has become as cold as ice towards me stating she wants a divorce at the earliest opportunity with their being no hope of reconciliation between us.
This has all hit me like a ton of bricks, I NEVER saw this coming, not even a sign that this could be on the horizon. Since the breakup when I have attended our property to move my own items I have noticed she has bought a number of new items of clothing with a particular emphasis on underwear. She has actively told me her intention to move on as fast as possible and that she has needs that she wants to be met. It is literally as if the girl I knew and loved has died, we spent so much of our time/lives together I now have a gaping whole where my heart used to be. Like others on here I struggle to eat/sleep and cannot get the imagery of her having sex with another man from my head. I have been suicidal regularly since the incident and have been seeking support and medical intervention but I feel like I am stuck in a limbo that I can’t break from. I still have to see Becky every day at work, speak to her every day for our childs sake and you know what….I want to speak to her, it is like a fix every time I speak to her. Our relationship is over and she makes that clear on a daily basis but after 5 weeks I am feeling worse, not better and need someone to tell me there is life beyond this. She was the love of my life and I don’t think I will found anyone like Becky again, I had everything I ever dreamed of and don’t know how to put my life back together.
Thank you for taking the time to read
Stuart
Reply
Stuart,
I can feel your pain and I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is an awful story and I know it seems like the end of the world but tomorrow is another day… and you will find happiness again. You have to trust that Becky was not the one for you – and be relieved that you found out early in your life as opposed to years from now. I know that doesn’t make it easier but it will get easier. The next few months will be hell – but it does get better. Trust me!
I was with my husband for 20 years. He was my best friend. We were inseparable and then one day something changed. I too found his phone and discovered grossly inappropriate texts to another woman. I was blindsided and shocked. I wanted to stay in bed all day, every day but I couldn’t. I have kids and so do you! I had to function as best as I could and I tried to be kind to myself. Days where I couldn’t go to work – I didn’t. If I couldn’t make dinner – we ordered in.
Eventually I got through it and now I am on the other side and couldn’t be happier. My husband did me a favour that I could not see then. I promise you that you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It is just going to take time for these wounds to heal.
My best advice is to find a great therapist and do the work now. You will be so much ahead in the long run!
Stuart……it will definitely take time, but it is hell going through it. My dreams were shattered too after a 19 year relationship, 16 years of which we were married. It was due to another woman but he found many insulting ways to blame me for the demise of our marriage. It didn’t matter that I still loved him deeply and that I was shocked he could throw away all our years together. I feel your pain because I had plenty of it myself, so much so that I could barely function for a long time.
Getting counseling for yourself is very important because this is a devastating life event for you. I wouldn’t have survived without it. Take good care of yourself and take life one day at a time. I suggest you also find another place to work. Seeing her every day in these circumstances is not healthy for you in many ways. You need to distance yourself, or you will forever be caught up in an emotional roller coaster that will only keep you very stressed out.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Stuart,
I cannot tell you when the pain will end, but I assure it will. My ex-wife left me after being together for 23 years, 18 of them married. That was about five years ago, I was 45, and at the time, I felt exactly like you feel now. I remember walking alone into my new house and not knowing what to do with myself. I ended up literally walking around the house in a daze for hours. I did not have the will to make any decision, not even to sit down. Not even to turn on the lights as it got dark. I just kept walking in circles, by myself, in the dark. For months, I felt like a shell of my former self.
But things got better. Slowly, for sure, but they did get better. The pain slowly diminished. The spark I had slowly returned. Eventually, I even started laughing again. But it took time. It will take months or years, not weeks. I know that feels like it is forever, but I promise you it is not. You are in the hardest part of this right now. The shock is wearing off and the focus is on what you feel you are losing. It is terrifying (at least it was for me). All I can offer is that for me, and many people I’ve met in our same situation, things get better. Better than they are now, and even better than they were before the divorce.
The best advice I got, and that I will pass along, is to focus on taking care of yourself. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Have faith that with time, you will feel happy again. The pain will stop. Please just stay strong, keep getting help, and be patient until it does.
Peace,
John
I went through this at 33 after 3 years of marriage and again at 56 after 22 years of blissful marriage. You are young enough to rebound, recover and find a better woman that will make you forget the past one. And it will take that to recover or go MGTOW. Most beautiful women are vain and selfish if you want to go that route, better to find a friend first and take the time to let her fall for you first, Then never quite let your guard down and she will stay on the edge of emotion for many years to come. I lasted 22 years before I caved in and showed complete love and it was over then. Don’t love them that much and you won’t have to ever feel this way again. Some are complicated creatures, and some will love you only for better or until something better comes along. It’s a crapshoot. Good luck
stuart, I have been in your situation, and I can absolutely promise you that you will get past this. If possible, gather your friends and keep them close. They will help you more than you realize. I am 64, and have witnessed and experienced betrayal throughout my life. Picture yourself as a person who is a warrior in life, and you will end up on top of this situation. You will get your legs back under you soon if you picture yourself happy in 6 months. Good luck and God Bless