Can’t find anyone who can relate.
May 30, 2025 at 3:37 pm
Lately I have been struggling. I am the one who asked for a divorce, but it is the last thing I have ever wanted. I love my husband, but I can not be lie to for the rest of my life.
We have been together for 23 years and married for 20. I have known my husband since we were 9 years old. I knew him before he was broken and I was there to witness the change. My husband went through a traumatic childhood, and had to witness and live through things children shouldn’t ever have to deal with. I love him, and am still in love with him.
Why the divorce? Well my husband is an addict/alcoholic who keeps relapsing in secret. He has stolen money from our children, our family, and most recently my mother who is in really poor health. He was supposed to sit with her and call 911 if need be so my brother could take my father out to celebrate his birthday. Instead, my husband took money from my mother. I have tried marriage counseling, individual counseling, al-anon, and anything I could think of to prevent a divorce, but unfortunately you can do all the work and the other person can decide to not do what they can to change the situation.
I lived in fear daily. Constantly panicked about what he was doing, if he was sober, and what I would find and when I would find it. There was no longer any hope that my husband would stop lying and work on the things he needed to. I have no control over anyone but myself, so if the pattern was to end, I needed to leave it. This is my biggest nightmare, and not what I ever wanted, but at the end of the day, I can not change anyone but me. I have changed all I could to try and make it through until our kids were adults. Unfortunately, that didn’t work! I have one adult child and three kids who are not. All my kids live at home, and while the older two are happier, one of my younger kids is really struggling.
My family for the most part just keeps telling me I am doing the right thing. While intellectually I know I am, my emotional self has not caught up. I am grieving the loss of the love of my life. My husband has a lot of really good qualities, and tries to be a good person. He doesn’t take care of himself the way he should and ends up hurting the people he loves. I am sad that the person I love and planned my life with won’t be in it the same anymore. I miss him everyday. There is no plan to start over. No other person I think of, and if I thought I could make it work I would in a heart beat. I know however, that he will never get better with me. His best chance of getting better is without me. That is so hard. I know even if he gets better, we probably would never work, because he would repeat his patterns with me. I am now his past, and no longer his future.
I want to find someone who understands how hard this is. Most people I know getting divorced, at least one of them wanted it. They got sick of the other person or angry to the point they fell out of love with them. I am not there, and not sure I ever will be. I understand my husband is sick, and doesn’t mean to hurt me or his kids. I also know I am breaking and my kids need at least one parent who is consistent and not completely broken. Right now I am broken hearted and hurting, but I know eventually I will pull through. This moment is so incredibly hard, and I feel so completely alone. Talking with family and friends who are all celebrating my strength to leave feels like a slap in the face to the grief and sadness I feel. The loss that I am trying to drag myself through, despite not wanting to go forward. I feel like I am leaving half of myself behind. That I tore out half of my heart and walked away from it.
I don’t need words of how strong I am, or how I am doing the best thing. I need someone who sees how hard it is, how heavy it is, and doesn’t celebrate my loss. A person who gets the pain and walks with me through it.
Reply
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