My husband told me he loves me but is not "in love" with me….
October 24, 2015 at 8:42 am
Apparently he feels we need some time apart so he can figure out his “feelings”. He swears up and down there is no one else but I don’t believe it. I love him and don’t want my family to end but not sure what I should do. I am too embarrassed to tell my friends and family as I know they will tell me that he has a girlfriend and to get out!
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hey jane – so sorry to hear about your husband…. i promise you … you will get over the embarrassment and you will make it to the other side – i went through a similar thing and i was so private about it all… then one day it occurred to me that i wasn’t the one that looked like the idiot – it was him!
you have to do what is best for you – and that could mean getting out of your marriage or staying in – don’t worry about what other people say!
Jane
I am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. It really does not matter whether your husband is seeing anyone else or not although he probably is. Don’t waste energy pressing him for the answer because he will lie anyway. The reason that it doesn’t matter is that he has told you everything that you need to know about your future together: he does not want it to include you. I wish for you that there was some form of hard evidence that would make you understand that your marriage is over. Having to make a decision to stay or go is extremely stressful and all the more difficult when you cannot pin it down to something tangible like abuse or betrayal. Would you recommend that your daughter devote her life to someone who has looked her in the eye and told her that he is not in love with her? Of course not. Reach out to the people who really do love you and ask for their support. Do not be embarrassed – he is the one who should hang his head for dropping out of marriage without trying.
Take care of YOU! This is quite a blow. You might have to give him some time. He might be going through something and it seems he will have to figure it out. If he is willing, suggest counselling in the interim – that might help him articulate what it is he is struggling with…and if there is something you can work on together.
In the meantime, practice self-care so that you can manage, go on and thrive! Don’t let his indecision, confusion, break-down (?) bring you down with him…
Good luck.
Thanks for all your responses. As an update it appears that he does have a girlfriend and it has been going on for some time. It also turns out that many people knew about this and didn’t tell me. I feel shell shocked and somewhat paralyzed with crazy fear. I don’t want my marriage to end, I don’t want to be a single mother and I have no say or choice in the matter… AND I am trying to hide it from my kids. The pressure is insane..
Jane – I am so sorry you are struggling alone through this. Check and see if you can find a good therapist to ‘listen’ and help you through… Sometimes people have support services through work – EAP – that is a free (albeit limited) service for employees to get help. Or extended health benefits mind help you too. Be strong and take care of you.
Hi Jane,
You are not alone. I am going through the same thing right now. After 17 years together (one yr married) and a child, I was blind sided a month ago when he said he didn’t know if he loved me anymore and wasn’t in love with me. I had no idea it was coming, we were the most solid couple I knew and he ripped my world out from under me without any regard. Within 3 days he confessed to another woman as well. After so long together he isn’t even willing to try and make it work. Just about broke me to be honest. I am still reeling and feel just like you – terrified. It is going to be a process. One that is going to hurt like crazy, but one that we will make it through. You’re not alone!
Hi Startingover,
I feel awful that you are also going through this. I am still reeling from the shock of it all. I just can’t come to terms with the lies and the deceit. Everyone keeps telling me I will be better off in the long run.. but as I’m sure you know – it sure doesn’t feel that way right now. I appreciate you reaching out and sharing your story – it provides me with a little comfort knowing I am not alone. Stay strong!
Sorry to hear about your situation.
From a male perspective, take care of yourself and children if any. It doesnt matter if he is cheating or not, it’s taking care of yourself. Start changing passwords and finances secured. Call it mid-life crisis, mental illness, whatever.. sometimes not everything lasts forever.. you dont need someone to feel good about yourself, it comes from you. It’s how you want to define yourself imo. Stay strong and think long term.
Hi Jane,
Karyn Fine here, I am on this site under coaches. I would be delighted to talk to you for nothing. I went through what you are going through. That was 10 years ago. I am an extremely positive person and know that you can see the other side of this. You have to be in charge of YOU. Kids are smart. They probably know and if they don’t, there is a way to tell them. They have to know it isn’t about them, which kids think if they are not told what is going on. Of course it is HOW you tell them that is extremely important. Feel free to reach out. Sending strength
Karyn Fine
I can tell you from experience that sometimes too much happens between two people to ever overcome it or to see your partner in the same way you did when you were first married. Falling out of love happens and it doesn’t mean that anyone cheated. Things happen and sometimes it just turns a switch inside of you and you can never again see things the same way. Although it’s hard to see at first, you are better off parting ways then living lies.
I wanted to ask for your opinion on this …. I’m going to start from the beginning but making it a short story. My husband and I met in 1988 I was 15 & he was 16. We had a daughter in 1992, we got married in 1998 four months into the marriage he cheated on me and also committed a crime that he did 10 years in prison . After his release in 2007 we reconciled been together since now very happily married, purchased a new home a year ago, we have a 4 year old granddaughter, very happy family.February 29,2017 my husband told me that he’s not happy and he said it’s not another woman and it’s not me , he said that I’m a great wife. When he said that he’s not happy changed my life because I didn’t see this coming in a million years! We still respect our marriage and make love, we tell another that we love each other every day. April 3 our 19 anniversary , instead of us celebrating like we have every year my husband told me that he has been thinking about divorce, wow! Can you imagine how I felt that night?!? Hurt!! Disappointed!! Confused!! I asked why he said that he wants to be free! What ever the hell that means?!? He said that he doesn’t want to answer to anyone any more he wants to go as he pleases, a week later I asked him lets separate for 6 months so that he can really see and think about what he’s doing. He will be moving in with his sister on May1st. He said that he loves me but he’s not in love with me. How do you think that this are going to go? Thank you for reading this please respond, to let me know what can I do I want my marriage
Thanks for the mail!
weve been married for almost 11 years. My husband told me he has love for me but isnt in love with me. He told me I deserved better and to be with a guys who loves me unbelievably. But everything he does by supporting me and my decisions, Being there for me, I mean he shows signs he is in love with me, but theres another girl. She told me he doesnt love me and he wants to break up. He hasnt said such things to me just that he wants me to be happy. FYI: I have known about her (she was a friend) and have just let it play out. (Please no judging, it is who my husband is) but this was a huge blow. He doesnt see that he is in love with me hes just bored because that spark is gone and he now has it with her. Is there anything I can do or should I just sit back and continue watching? Im 27 and hes 31