I cheated on my wife. I had both a physical and emotional affair for two blissful years.
I know it sounds awful and it is… However let me explain how I was able to rationalize it to myself and look in the mirror with absolute no guilt.
My wife and I were married for 15 years. We lived the typical life. Got married at the same time as our friends, had kids and I worked hard to provide for my family. And when I say I worked hard, I worked hard!! I worked long hours to provide my family with everything I could.
We got caught in this insane rut. My wife wanted all the finer things my long hours provided, yet she also wanted me around to help with the kids. She was constantly complaining. Nothing I did made her happy. I felt disconnected and angry. How dare she rip me apart for working hard? She wanted it all but had no sense of what it took to get it all.
I remember feeling that the stress of work together with the stress of her was going to kill me. I was miserable. I spent hours contemplating how to get out. But I was scared. She was so vicious — I was scared I’d lose my kids. She was so greedy I wasn’t sure I could afford to get a divorce. So I just lived my miserable life and tried to get through day by day.
And then I met someone. It’s so stereotypical that it kills me to write it but she was younger and she was beautiful and she made me feel alive. She didn’t yell at me, she didn’t complain to me, she just enjoyed being with me.
I fell hard. I felt so happy and acknowledged that I didn’t even think about what I was doing to my wife. I felt so victimized by her that I somehow felt justified in what I was doing.
This woman was the complete opposite of my wife. I was happy for the first time in a long time and it was like a drug that I couldn’t stop taking.
Should I have left? Yes of course I should have.
What inevitably happened is my wife found out. She was devastated and angry and said it was my fault. She told me she was going to make me pay and went after me with the same visciousness she did in our marriage.
But I didn’t care. It was a relief to not live this double life any longer and to be rid of her.
Our friends and family look at me as though I am a horrible person. But I don’t care.
I know that she was awful and didn’t appreciate me. I know that she drove me into the arms of another woman and I know that we all will be better in the long run.
So the next time you are shocked when you hear that someone you know is having an affair –hold your judgement…..there are 2 sides to every story!
SK, 52
Katherine
And we’ve just heard your side. What about your wife’s?
dorthy angie
I agree that if you plan to stay with a cheater don’t try to find any information. However, in my case I needed it in my state in order to file for a divorce and come out of the relationship. You can’t just say I think he is courts want proof or you end up spending a lot of time and money to fight it out! Finding out was hard, but I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy and it’s making my divorce go a lot smoother. He would never confess; therefore, I did the best thing for me…find out, no doubt, move on.I was then introduced to some professional [email protected]
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Justin
Hell with that. You made vows. You swore a covenant, then you broke it. You have no idea what it is to be the one who was betrayed. You don’t understand the deep humiliation, hurt and anguish you caused. You were pathetic and are still rationalizing it.
Hani
Totally
also cheated on
Well, thats just selfish. There are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth.
Anonymous
very true
Lady with Class
Cheating is wrong and never justified for any reason. When the going gets tough the wimps have affairs to make their fragile egos feel better. Any woman who has an affair of any kind with a man who they KNOW is with another woman, regardless what HE says about why, is a woman without self respect, self esteem, morals or values. A real man ENDS the relationship he is in BEFORE he starts another one. Your soul mate is NEVER the significant other of another. NEVER.
Anonymous
I AGREE!!!
Sandy
Very true!
dorthy angie
I agree that if you plan to stay with a cheater don’t try to find any information. However, in my case I needed it in my state in order to file for a divorce and come out of the relationship. You can’t just say I think he is courts want proof or you end up spending a lot of time and money to fight it out! Finding out was hard, but I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy and it’s making my divorce go a lot smoother. He would never confess; therefore, I did the best thing for me…find out, no doubt, move on.I was then introduced to some professional hackers..hackdemon4 at g mail dot com
who helped me hacked his phone’s texts and calls so I got to understand
what has been going on.they offer lots of hacking services,
website database hack, phone cloning, background checks and surveillance,
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Keeping it real
That’s a lot of deflecting towards “the other woman”. If your husband has an affair, he is accountable to you. He is the one that promised to be faithful to you and to honour and respect you and your life together. The woman or women he cheats with owe you nothing. You’re been described as a terrible person by your spouse! Affairs don’t happen in solid marriages and both partners ALWAYS play a role in the breakdown. The affair is never what ends the marriage. It seems that a lot of people stay in unhappy situations and many seem to cheat in order to just “feel”. I don’t believe that’s a healthy way to live and I don’t believe that having a lover or partner that is married is going to turn out well under any circumstances but no one is a victim of another woman or man. If your marriage is in trouble, you absolutely helped put it there and the marriage was doomed one way or another.
Idle Minds
Your wife should have looked for a paying job too, even just part time. For the following reasons:
1. So that she can use her salary to pay for the “finer things” she so liked / want instead of just depending on you. If you are not part of the solution– then you are the problem.
2. To keep her mind busy. An idle mind is a devil’s workshop. All sorts of negatives were getting into her head because she was just cooped up at home. Bored. Hum drum. That’s why she kept nagging you.
3. So that she could understand your position working loong hours just to pay the bills. Im sure finding a job, even just part time would surely have halted her nagging and being so demanding .
I grew up in almost the same household. My father worked hard for long hours while my Mom stayed home. Later on boredom, pessimism, negative thoughts crept into her head. She became cranky, a nag and started becoming mean. She and my Dad fought and argued all the time becoz she started accusing my father of having an affair, flirting with any woman who came close to Dad. Faults my father didnt do….all illusions of a bored mind.
My Dad kep on explaining to her, beseeching her to stop nagging and think a little better of him. But Mom didnt stop. She just got worse.
In the end, my father’s patience got spent . No, he DID NOT get into an affair. He just kicked my Mom out of the the house LITERALLY and FIGURATIVELY and raised my sister and I by himself as a single parent. Finally, peace filled the house.
Keeping it Real
That’s a lot of deflecting towards “the other woman”. If your husband has an affair, he is accountable to you. He is the one that promised to be faithful to you and to honour and respect you and your life together. The woman or women he cheats with owe you nothing. You’re been described as a terrible person by your spouse! Affairs don’t happen in solid marriages and both partners ALWAYS play a role in the breakdown. The affair is never what ends the marriage. It seems that a lot of people stay in unhappy situations and many seem to cheat in order to just “feel”. I don’t believe that’s a healthy way to live and I don’t believe that having a lover or partner that is married is going to turn out well under any circumstances but no one is a victim of another woman or man. If your marriage is in trouble, you absolutely helped put it there and the marriage was doomed one way or another.
Ivan
Stupid…..so now your children hate you, your wife is gone (and we havent heard her side of the story by the way) and i bet the young exciting lady is also gone. Probably started taking her medications and left you bare assed and alone.
I hope your wife takes you for all your worth. Leave you with just enough to drink yourself half to death prior to retirement. Selfish and short sighted.
Poor baby. Enjoy a slow and loveless death.
Anonymous
i was hoping for a different explanation of why someone cheated. that is just the typical story and even though i do believe that a marriage that is going well usually leaves very little room for someone to run away into another person’s arms, cheating is never justified. the cheater needs to take more responsibility than this arthur. i can’t believe he said he could look himself in the mirror and feel absolutely no guilt. that’s horrible!
Max
I totally identify with the writer as I also had an affair which led to me leaving my wife. I didn’t leave my wife because of the affair (in fact she begged me to stay), but I remembered what it was like to actually “love” life. At 45, and after much analysis, realised my wife and I would not be happy together into the future.
Men have affairs for two primary reasons:
1. The sex. (Not my case)
2. The affair is a sub-conscious way of having one foot in the door of the “family home” and one foot out. (My case)
In my case, I used to dream of leaving, but I adore my children. As their provider and protector, I put their needs above mine for many years. When a chance meeting developed into an affair, I consciously decided to put my needs/wants above theirs for the first time. This meant leaving their mother.
It is not easy, but I have tried to remain supportive and friendly with my soon-to-be ex-wife. She is heartbroken at the family breakdown, but she realises that we are just not compatible.
There’s no excuse for an affair, but there is can be explanations.
awlfawme
You still sound like a selfish prick that’s trying to justify his shitty actions and then have the cheek to say you have tried to remain supportive and friendly. You consciously put your needs in front of your families, blah blah blah blah. Face it. Your a dead beat both as a father and marriage material.
Anonymous
awlfawme; Amen.
Don't judge
I would say “Don’t judge”! As life happens no matter what we used to think, believe, value. When I was a little girl I couldn’t understand how someone could cheat on another one. Then I grew up and was lied to by several men. Then I got married. And decided to be faithful although from the very beginning there were things to be desired. The husband lived with his mother in his apartment. He didn’t even hug me in her presence. He never had sex with me while she was in the apartment, which was most of the time. But then I thought he is shy, he needs time. I had so much trouble with the mother-in-law. If you’ve seen Everybody Loves Raymond, Marie’s character is very much like my ex-mother-in-law. We emigrated however my ex-husband continued to listen to her about everything and not me. He was constantly complaining about the new country, the people, his job and he didn’t do anything to change that. We were having sex once a month. After our fist son a couple of times a year. And I’m highly sexual. He didn’t like to go anywhere. He was earning less money than me. Not that this was important but he was complaining the whole time and doing nothing. He was making me feel guilty when I was buying healthy food or nice clothes for myself. He started paying more attention to our child than to me. I always had to play the bad cop. He never stepped in as a dad to discipline the child. We hardly went anywhere. We stopped inviting guests for dinner. It was a dull life. He only cared about his hobby. He was helping around the house but this is not what I wanted. I wanted a man, not a woman. When the baby was 16 months old him and I went back home for a visit. Out of respect (not that I felt it) I stayed first with the in-laws. They were terrible. After an incident when they almost killed my child with a piece of apple (long story) two days after the baby was having a temper tantrum and I was talking on Skype with my husband at the time. The father-in-law came in the room and took my child without asking me. We were in OUR room in my husband’s apartment where the father-in-law has also come to live. I told him to leave my child and reached out to take him and he hit me with his elbow. Then he called me “stupid” and a “hooligan”. So after that night I stopped speaking to them and never went back there. However, my ex-husband almost also stopped speaking to me for a year and there was a cold war at home … as he took their side. As usual.
So, it was then when this guy showed up. He was courting me for 3-4 months. I was declining but finally I surrendered. We had an affair for a few years. He was also married. He left his wife and later I left my husband too. Now I live with my “boyfriend” and although it’s not always perfect I am much happier now.
Yes, there are sacrifices. The older son lives with his dad who badmouths me in front of him. I’ve had health issues due to all the stress. But you know what, I feel much better to be out of this sick family!
And by the way, I’m the younger girlfriend and I left my ex-husband for an older boyfriend.
There are as many stories as there are people in the world. So don’t judge unless you’ve been in their shoes! You never know what’s in store for you!
Shadesof life
all I hear is waaah waaah waaah…….it’s simple leave the marriage then get involved…….no one made you stay just like no one made you have an affair…….if you did it to him you will do it to the new one…….
awlfawme
Absolutely have to agree with the 1st part of your comment.
cheaterking
Hey all you who judge out there…A big FUCK YOU AND MORAL HIGH HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!!! Walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you judge them. What makes you the authority on marriage and what do you know about marriages gone wrong. It takes 2 to tango and if one half makes the other suffer because selfish and bullying behaviour I say cheat on the bitch. My guess is you are a bunch of fat lazy tick ridden trailer trash white whores who hen peck your poor hard working husbands. So fuck you.
Anonymous
A true man would of left before the affair. A coward has an affair then gets caught and leave because his wife wants no part of him and wants a dviorce. I hope she bleeds you dry.
awlfawme
I agree
Dork
Chill out. He is providing insight. I don’t think he’s saying it was a great thing he did.
Cristina
A true man would of left before the affair. A coward has an affair then gets caught and leave because his wife wants no part of him and wants a dviorce. I hope she bleeds you dry.
Introspective Observer
Ridiculous.
So much animosity towards the guy who cheated. So much justification for a bad decision made in a bad situation.
Marriage sucks. It’s hard – REALLY hard – to make it work. Anyone who says otherwise is living in a bubble. I used to think, “How DARE someone cheat – such horrible people.” Then I lived longer, and experienced more. I saw the pain in people’s eyes when they were living the stretches of a long-term relationship that can sometimes be hell. I won’t justify cheating, but I can’t vilify it either. There are few absolutes. What is a guy hits his his wife, but it only happens once and never again? What if a woman drops sex down to 3-4 times per year? Maybe it’s a physical or psychological problem, and not simply desire. Are these situations ALWAYS worth the pain of divorce and the hardship on the kids? What if a partner cheats, but just once and it’s never discovered? Do we truthfully believe that affairs are ALWAYS discovered?
What if after hardship, after some form of rift, or pain, or strife, or yes, even violence – what if there is peace and harmony? What if a couple navigates pain, cheating, betrayal, and end up growing old together? Is that ok? Can we forgive someone for taking a hard road to finding there way – either to peace or ultimately to new relationships – without wishing they suffer painfully for the rest of their lives? Why do we feel someone should be punished for the rest of their lives for a mistake, or maybe a blessing in disguise? Personally, I wish both the best, and courage for the road ahead. He was not justified (nor does he think he is), and her behavior both before and after the affair is not ok. Besides – once you have kids you never fully separate; parenting is a lifetime together, in one fashion or another.
I you feel the urge to burn someone for sharing their story, pause for a moment and look at yourself. The pain you went through (maybe you were cheated on) is not caused by them. Maybe it’s you that needs to heal before you pass judgement.
Anonymous
Yes, you are right you needed to rationalized your actions so this is the story you’re choosing to tell yourself so you could live with yourself. A real man would have come clean ask for divorce let is wife know it is over before acting out and lying for 2 years to himself and his family or which is the harder part deal with the marriage issues that made you look outside. You were married for 15 years had kids with this woman and she deserve much better than your actions. It is called RESPECT. What you did is a cowardly act.
You choose to live a lie over the right thing to do. No matter what you tell yourself it was a still a choice!
I wouldn’t never be able to understand to sympathize with a cheater.
Anonymous
Well this other woman didn’t have to deal with children, housework, jobs. She was just his sex partner. Maybe he shouldn’t have judged his wife when she had her own load to deal with. Looks like he was judging his wife so don’t say not to judge. I am sure he wasn’t perfect either. This is only one perspective. Looks like people will try to justify themselves when they already know they are doing wrong. Adultery is adultery no matter how you try to explain it away. Marriage vows are exactly that…..marriage vows. A man of integrity will find a way to keep his vows not a way to cheat.
Anonymous
You sound like a selfish douche who is unable to take any responsibility for your own part in your unhappy marriage. Grow up.
Anonymous
This part makes me very curious…”And when I say I worked hard, I worked hard!! I worked long hours to provide my family with everything I could”. So, how did he find all of this time to spend with his girlfriend when he had a family. There are definitely two sides to a story and the side I’ve read doesn’t impress me.
Ellen
If you aren’t happy in the marriage, work on it! If you can’t make things work , then get out! I have been cheated on and I was devastated! I found after a year or so! I forgave him not for him but for myself and my son! It was the best thing he could have done for us is to leave! I wish he had left first though because of the fact that everyone knew about it and didn’t feel the need to tell me! I was humiliated!
PJ
Men only leave when they have something to leave to. Women however make the conscious decision they are not happy in the relationship, they leave and hope to find happiness with someone else.
Just Sayin
All I can say is you lose them the same way you got them, so if you’re the one interfering in the marriage then watch out, you’re turn is coming!!
Anonymous
well thee is truly 2 sides and where were you when you had a family??? you think that you cheating on your wife is her fault ???
hope your new younger girlfriend cheats on you ,wake up you need to look in the mirror
GA
Easy for all the self righteous people to respond with all their simplistic answers. No we don’t know the other side of the story. As it’s been said there is, his story, her story, and the truth. The problem here it that, “everybody” has an angle. The people responding as well, you too have an angle. Interesting that you are here responding. Why? If you’re in a happy marriage why respond on this site. Your easy answers are for you, not the person writing here. Of course he has an angle too and you’ll truly not know what it is unless you go back in time and “listen” to him talk for about ten years. So what’s my angle. I’ll tell you now. Back many years a advice columnist said you have to ask yourself, “are you better off with your partner, or without them? In some cases that’s easy to ascertain. In other cases not so easy. Kids, money, does the dream partner really exist out there. I’m sure, as is said here, many times all the excuses are a justification for extramarital sex.
For me, I married a bi-polar partner who was an imposter when we dated. It took a long time to discover who this person was. I’m sorry but my vows were said to someone who didn’t exist. That’s not really fair (yes I know, life isn’t fair, but it is short). For the first part of my marriage my partner’s psychotic behavior (believing and going around telling people they had various illnesses, and situations at work that weren’t true). My partner finally got help and medications (antipsychotics) that helped. Unfortunately how my partner lives and interacts in the world is based on growing up and interacting with people while psychotic. As well is still neurotic (huge anxiety and negativity). My partner is still very aware of their image so is always trying to manipulate their surroundings to make them appear normal. To give my partner some credit, they managed to work almost a full career and are mostly functional at home. Unfortunately although my partner reads constantly they seem to have no insight into anything. Most conversations are just annoying. I get overly dramatic comments about situations that happen. Most conversations they initiate with me are regurgitated from something I’ve said in the last 24 hrs. There is a lot more that could be said about us and our relationship but that would require a book.
We’ve reached a point that the kids are just about gone and now I have to consider, do I leave, do I stay, do I have an affair (not likely as I would like someone to experience life and create memories with). One thing I’ve learned in life it is easy to make decisions about things when you don’t bare the responsibility for them, or the resulting carnage.
New Day
A lot of cheaters seem to also deny their role in break down of the marriage. Perhaps the negativity towards the betrayed partner comes from justifying their actions.
If you focus on the negative about your partner, of course they will appear negative. If you are having an affair you end up unfairly comparing them to the AP.
Hello, you’re cheating and acting irrationally. Of course that would make the betrayed react negativily towards you. They may not know, but they have a hunch. How do you slap someone in the face, but judge them for reacting?
If you’re unhappy, be man or woman enough to tell your spouse. Let them know why you’re unhappy and if they’re unwilling or unable to fix it, let them go.
If you truly wanted out, why hold on, demonize them and hurt them beyond belief. Give them a chance to find someone else at the same time you are.
How would you feel if this new so called “soul mate” did the same thing to you. Suddenly “unhappy” with you but didn’t tell you and ended cheating and leaving chasing new honeymoon feelings.
As a betrayed I’m telling you, it hurts your soul when someone does this.
Lives_and_LetLives
There is ALWAYS a deep seeded reason (reasons) in the marriage that lead to cheating. And BOTH people in that marriage ARE responsible regardless who does the cheating. Some one who cheats instead of asking for a divorce first DOESN’T necessarily means he/she is a coward. Someone who taking back the cheater DOESN’T necessarily means he/she still loves the spouse. Sometimes things don’t happens in a sequence that we deem for what it should be. And sometimes NOT every relationship is meant to last. Sometimes the marriage between two person is simple a wrong match from the gecko. And sometimes people GROW APART. This is what we call “LIFE”, “LIVING”, and “HUMANITY” — my advice, the cheater quit feeling guilty for your choice AND the one being cheat on enough with the self pity bitterness and hatred. At the end of the day, does NOT matter if someone ask for a divorce first or cheat first, the Universe is telling you in no uncertain term, the MARRIAGE (in its true sense) IS OVER. All the blaming, resentment, hatred, playing victim to your circumstances, and especially blaming THE THIRD PARTY (pathetic by the way he/she are NOT responsible for the downfall of your already broken marriage) is NOT going to change the fact that SOMEONE in the marriage wants to be free and SOMEONE in the marriage needs to set the other person free. Anything else are just no sense, TRAUMA, senseless nagging, and a waste of whatever time left you have on earth. I have no sympathy for neither the cheater nor the one being cheated. This is nothing new and people need to JUST MOVE ON with their lives SEPARATELY. After all isn’t love unconditionally? If something is your will be if not set it free (with loves, not hated).
Annoyed
Looking at the responses it’s clear that many are responding out of fear and over their own personal issues; they feel good and better when they attack the writer because they do not have control or the guts to confront the issues in their own lives and relationships. My hunch is that they themselves are in bad relationships and misery loves company.
I married someone who concealed his true self from me and didn’t let me know who he was until 7 years and two small kids into the relationship. Yes he was a cheater who began continually objectify me. The cheating took place as soon as we got together (so no not all cheaters cheat because of their partners) and continued into our marriage in spite of us having sex 3-5 times a day everyday for 18 years. I was forced into sex. He was very happy in our marriage and didn’t want to end it. I had an affair out of self preservation. Why didn’t I get out? Hmm. Two small kids whose lives would not have been better off if we divorced, they would have struggled immensely as we would not have been able to afford two households. I would not have had health insurance, I had no education or skills.
So too bad so sad for the haters on this board. Some people don’t have lives that fit into a pretty box. By the way my previous relationships also involved the man cheating on me. You all would have rather My kids lived in poverty than me preserving my emotional sanity by having an affair. Or I could have killed myself or overdosed on the medications prescribed because I was physically ill from being with my husband.
I’m out of my marriage now thank goodness, and I don’t regret my affair at all, in fact, I’ve been in the same loving relationship for 8 years with the person I cheated with. You guys who are so irate should get your heads examined as to why you care so much about what others do in their own personal lives.
Thinktwice
Many interesting posts here. What people need to consider most is being judgemental. Nobody here knows the exact circumstances of the poster. What we can all agree with is that an affair, for whatever reason, is not ideal. I won’t use the words fair or justified. In most cases I’ve seen affairs are the product both people in a marriage, but not always. It is true, as some have said, that you marry someone and they become someone else. What do women expect if they don’t have sex with thier partners after children? Or worse, they don’t maintain an emotional bond with thier husband’s? What do men expect when they start drinking every night and play sports or video games all the time? Or they start hitting or disrespecting their wife? They will cheat. Why? Because in the vacuum of emotionless support they will find a bond with someone…even if they aren’t looking. Now, everyone is screaming……get a divorce first!!!!! Well, that’s correct when no children are involved. Of course, get a divorce. But when you have children things change. You have to think of what a divorce means to them. Is having an affair bad? Yes. But we are human. We do things we regret and wish we could take back. Does a person’s year long affair deserve the punishment of their own children hating them for life? Children, that they love? I submit to you that this happens and it’s a worse sentence than a 20 year jail sentence. To know your children don’t care about you or hate you, despite your loving them. For those who say, if you love yours kids so much you wouldn’t have cheated……you just don’t understand human phycology.
Erica
All I can say is I used to be one of those judgemental people. I would be the one to say, how can anyone cheat, just get a divorce. Now, I’m having an affair with my boss. He’s been married twenty years and me twenty five. We both have never cheated up until now. It started as a physical attraction, went to flirting, to an emotional affair to a full blown physical affair. I have tried to stop this, even thought about changing jobs but I can’t. I am so intoxicated by this man it’s insane.We both have talked about the chemistry we have together, it is just undeniable. We have no plans of disrupting our families at this stage of our lives. He has said tho that in another life we would definitely be together. He has told me it’s not just a sex thing he does Care for me as well. Please don’t judge people for their actions. Yes, I still believe cheating is wrong but until you have gone through it, you just can’t even begin toto understood.
Erica
All I can say is I used to be one of those judgemental people. I would be the one to say, how can anyone cheat, just get a divorce. Now, I’m having an affair with my boss. He’s been married twenty years and me twenty five. We both have never cheated up until now. It started as a physical attraction, went to flirting, to an emotional affair to a full blown physical affair. I have tried to stop this, even thought about changing jobs but I can’t. I am so intoxicated by this man it’s insane.We both have talked about the chemistry we have together, it is just undeniable. We have no plans of disrupting our families at this stage of our lives. He has said tho that in another life we would definitely be together. He has told me it’s not just a sex thing he does Care for me as well. Please don’t judge people for their actions. Yes, I still believe cheating is wrong but until you have gone through it, you just can’t even begin toto understood.