Two Narcissistic Parents = A Tortured Divorce for the kids

I recently turned 21 and cannot believe that my parents are still fighting over their Divorce. I have read many posts on Divorce Angels but never from the perspective of a child going through it. Sadly, I have come to the realization that both my parents are Narcissists.

I don’t use that term lightly, I have spent a lot of time trying to understand this personality disorder, both through my therapist and my own research.

Narcissistic parents are all about themselves, all the time. When I look back at my childhood, there were times where I felt invisible and unimportant to my parents. Their careers, their social status and their materialistic needs always came first before their children and family time.

My parents were married for 20 years. When I turned 18 they decided it was time to call it quits. They never had the perfect marriage and my siblings and I often considered Divorce to be a very real option for them. They never hid their fights, their selfishness and their verbal and emotional abuse -- as children we lived and experienced the ups and downs of their marriage. Secretively, we all hoped for Divorce so that there would be peace.

Peace never happened for any of us. Our parent’s behavior, ego and narcissism seemed to get worse as we all moved through the process of their divorce.

I am saddened and embarrassed by what has gone on. They have had no concern for their children throughout the battle of their divorce. They both played the victim and are determined to make the other one pay. Somehow they have lost sight that there is still a family unit in place with kids who have feelings and all they care about is “winning”. The saddest part is that my siblings and I are the real victims in all of this.

They argue through their lawyers and send costly legal letters back and forth. My mother says my father is trying to “screw her” out of what is rightfully hers and my father says my mother is trying to “screw him” for wanting his freedom. And they say this in front of us. They each have hired lawyers with massive egos, and in my opinion they have added gasoline to both their fires.

They continuously bad mouth the other and don’t care when we ask them to stop. Both my parents look to their children to acknowledge their pain. As true narcissist, they want their kids to supply them with the ego boosting assurance they require.

My siblings and I are 3 years into this with no end in sight. I have done my best to come to terms with this behavior through therapy. But for me, it is has been a roller coaster of emotions – sadness and anger, and at times depression.

The saddest part of all is that narcissistic parents refuse to listen to others – including their own children. I have begged my parents to stop and to let the healing process begin for all of us. But still 3 years later -- it falls on deaf ears and their egos still rule.

As a victim of narcissistic parents and the endless divorce battle that ensues, all I can say is parents really need to take into consideration the long terms effects and scars their battle leaves on their children and find a way to Divorce with Grace.

LK