I was happily married. We had a great life together and a great family. I had many male friends and so it never bothered me that my husband had female friends. It was like an unwritten rule between us – as long as we both knew who were talking to and it remained appropriate than we were cool.
I distinctly remember the night my husband came home with news of running into an old girlfriend. Glued to his phone, he was texting her all night which was so out of his character but I remember thinking that it was really nice for him to connect with an old friend. I was confident enough in myself and my marriage that I was genuinely happy for him.
But things progressed (as they always do). He had stories about her life… she had just had another baby and was very tired. Her husband worked a lot. He felt bad for her that she was so overwhelmed. Every day brought a new story. I knew what her kids were doing, I knew what she did that day, there was nothing hidden or secretive. He was eager to share her stories.
One day he came home and said he was going to meet her for dinner. He wanted to make sure it was okay with me before committing which I thought was sweet and cute and spoke volumes about our relationship. I told him to go ahead and I really didn’t mind. However when it hit midnight and he still wasn’t home, I was pissed. Trying to be “cool” about it, I patiently waited until he rolled in at 1 am.
Drunk, he told me that she was unhappy in her marriage. Her husband was never around and he felt bad for her. He also told me that her husband didn’t trust her – he was shocked by this and felt bad for her so he understood why she didn’t tell him that she was going to meet him. He fell asleep and I was up all night.
I was extremely bothered by this but didn’t want to let on to my husband. It seemed to me that a platonic friendship is fine as long as both spouses are aware. Immediately I realized that this woman had an agenda. She was looking for validation and attention and she was looking to my husband to give it to her.
The next 3 months involved a lot of communication between them – and at weird times. I remember having arguments with my husband that I didn’t think it was appropriate for her to reach out to him late at night. Once she actually called his cell phone at midnight. I was starting to get angry — this was our time together and I found it intrusive.
He told me I was being crazy. That she needed a friend and he was going to be there for her. I knew I wasn’t crazy. I kept asking my husband one question “does her husband know she’s constantly texting you”? If he does then I am totally fine with it. We both knew the answer and that her husband had no idea but the ongoing communication continued.
I became furious. Here was a woman who was having difficulty in her marriage and was now causing problems in mine. My husband was so unconscious that he couldn’t see it. Let’s be honest. He liked the attention. We had been married for over 20 years and he kept telling me that I was being ridiculous. She needed a “friend” who she could confide in and he was the only one she trusted.
I sucked it up and sucked it up and then one night my husband fell asleep while texting her. I picked up his phone off his chest with every intention of putting it on the table when I looked down and saw he was in mid conversation with her. Always respecting his privacy, I would never look at his phone. But here it was in front of me and I took it as a sign.
I started to read the conversation and began scrolling to the start. Imagine my surprise when I saw photos sent of her lying on her bed in nothing but her underwear. Shocked I continued to read… apparently she had got her boobs done after her last pregnancy and wanted to know if he liked them. My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!
To my husband’s defense, he really wasn’t engaging her when she became inappropriate. She was clearly looking to take this relationship to another level. I read her texts and did see how he was trying to bring it back to harmless safe banter. But she clearly wanted no such thing.
I woke my husband up and told him I saw the photos. We had a massive argument as he thought it was funny that she had sent them and I was outraged. I explained to him what she was doing and that this is how affairs happen. He needed to grow up and understand how disrespectful this was to me and our marriage. He told me I was insane and that he couldn’t believe I had turned into a jealous crazy person.
No matter what I said or did, he couldn’t see my point. I felt like I was losing my mind. I knew he loved me and I really didn’t believe he would ever cheat on me but I couldn’t handle what was going on.
He told me I was acting insecure and that he couldn’t believe I didn’t trust him.
I decided to take actions into my own hands. I crafted a very simple email to her and it went like this:
Dear X,
I am so happy that you have decided to reconnect with my husband. You guys share quite a history. Why don’t we make plans for the four of us to get together and go for dinner.
It would be a great opportunity for us all to get to know each other better and an opportunity for me to see your boobs in clothes rather than in a photograph naked on your bed.
Does your husband know that you are sending “nudies” of yourself to a married man?
As I have told my husband on countless occasions, I am totally fine with your relationship as long as your husband is as well.
Let me know what night works for you.
Cheers!
Hard to believe I never got a response and soon after the texts to my husband stopped.
As for my husband and I, we are still happily married and he has no idea I sent the email. I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t stepped in.
I don’t think he would have had an affair but let’s be honest… he was well on his way to having an emotional affair which might just be worse than a physical one.
Ladies, trust your instincts. They are always correct.
Rhonda,48
Mary
this post hits home to me.. My husband cheated – and I also sent a response to the woman – only to find out that after my email they took their “relationship underground” meaning since they knew I was not ok with this – they texted only during the day and while they were both at work. They deleted their messages, but still found a way to connect without suspecting spouses watching. If your gut tells you something is wrong – they listen to it.
Mary
I wouldn’t be surprised if they are still communicating.
cherry
how does she know they aren’t still talking? just because she doesn’t see the messages – he could’ve gone “underground” messaging at work and then he deletes…
I doubt that he went cold turkey and just stopped talking to a woman he was messaging all day with….
Anonymous
I think you did a terrific job in undoing this situation. Kudos to you!
Kelly
Very well written article and to the point….let’s be honest tho,when it comes to relationships ,people have gotten very lazy and too comfortable… people seek outside a relationship to fulfil what’s missing in their current one….and lack of attention is a big one..
Kim
well, I suggest she talked to the other lady’s husband.
Owen
This situation happened to me. My wife did the same stunt. I trusted her but eventually found out she had cheated.
In fact, she had done this many times. Very devastating.
StrugglinToRemain
Husband did the same exact thing…so called “catching up” with an old friend ended up talking and texting all times of day/night & escalated into an emotional affair – I dont trust outside “guarded or one-sided” opposite sex friendships as far as I can throw them & now I dont trust my spouse either!!!
Anonymous
My ex wife developed an emotional affair, which she would deny, through work with a man I was also involved in business with. It was an excruciating process to see unfold, and was disturbing and hurtful beyond my own belief. It felt like pure betrayal. It became clear that she loved attention from her ‘male friends ‘, apparently fulfilling something she liked and was not getting from our marriage. When the point came where we were sleeping in seperate bedrooms and I heard her laughing and talking in a flirting tone with one of her ‘male friends’ on the phone late at night , I accepted the fact that I could never be ok with this. I moved out of the house and shortly after we were divorced.
ABDarcy
Rhonda, you’re a joke. How ridiculous to think that he didn’t KNOW what he was doing? Of course, they both knew precisely what was going on. You are a fool to think that they aren’t having a sexual affair then and now.
Samesame
OMG, hard to believe how closely this mirrors my own marriage. With the exclusion of the nude photos, I went through the same situation. Old girlfriend of many years ago, unhappy in her marriage, texting starts and I accidently read one day when he left his tablet open, not realizing until then how intense it had become. Apparently when I was at work they were having long phone conversations, and planning for the next phone call making sure I would not be home!
Could not get husband to ever understand how hurtful this was, he was so thrilled this “other woman” found him so funny and charming and could not get enough of him! He was bored at home ( retired early) and this was just what he needed!
Unfortunately, he never gave her up, continues to have a long distance emotional relationship, and we have separated and are heading for divorce. This was not the only issue in our marriage of course, his alcoholism was the bigger factor , but I think this emotional affair was the most hurtful part!
Anonymous
In the article, he was angry at being caught and called her crazy to deflect from his bad behavior. He knew what he was doing was wrong and manipulated his wife to leave him alone. the other women realized that the jig was up and I hope left him alone. The writer didn’t follow up with any change in her husbands behavior or a reconciliation between them.
faith sandra
Search Results
4 Signs He’s In Love With Someone Else – How-to-Save-Marriage.org
how-to-save-marriage.org/emotional-affair-signs/
Jan 23, 2011 – I had just found out my husband had been talking to his ex, for about a year!! … Maybe I was wrong by making him call her in the phone in front of me but I really … My husband was texting another woman in a sexual way.
I Looked Through My Husband’s Phone — Here’s What I Found
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/relationships/…/looking-through-husband-phone/
Oct 20, 2016 – Yes, there is another woman in his life. … I Looked Through My Husband’s Phone — Here’s What I Found. He’d certainly saved quite a few …
Was this the beginning of an Emotional Affair? – Divorce
http://thedivorceangels.com/was-this-the-beginning-of-an-emotional-affair-nud…
Jun 10, 2016 – I distinctly remember the night my husband came home with news of running into an old girlfriend. Glued to his phone, he was texting her all night which was so out of … He had stories about her life… she had just had another baby and …. I doubt that he went cold turkey and just stopped talking to a woman …
Laura
4 days before Christmas I found out my husband had cheated on me with some girl he met on Facebook. My world shattered immediately, the way I found out was with the help of cyber hack who i contact via gmail (cyberhack005) who helped me hacked his phone remotely and I was able to see all his phone content. He met this girl via Facebook who had seen him post something for sale on a site. When I approached him about it he denied it. Until I sent him screenshots of the messages of the oral sex he was discussing and the last sex he had with the girl. He was shocked and never believed I could go that far. He kneel down to beg me immediately because he knew I have a prove with me. I was so mad and hate him for not been faithful to me