My wife and I were married for 16 years. We both had great jobs but she was definitely the bread winner of the family. She had a strong work ethic and worked hard! I did everything I could to support her and her thriving career. We were married for 16 years with 4 children and I thought we were happy.
One day she came home from work and told me she wanted a divorce. I was shocked. In fact to be perfectly honest, I was decimated. I couldn’t believe it — it didn’t make any sense. No warning, no therapy – nothing! I asked if there was someone else and she said no – she was just not in love with me anymore.
I was crushed. I loved my wife and I didn’t want to lose my family and my kids.
I felt like I was dreaming – how could this be happening? I was sure that there was someone else – and of course there was but she wouldn’t admit it.
She tried to get me out of the house – and I wouldn’t leave. My lawyer was insistent that I stay until we had a sound separation agreement. It was so stressful. I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t help myself – when she would come home at night I would badger her to tell me who the boyfriend was. I just couldn’t move forward or move on. Everything was out of control and I was spiralling down.
As I slipped into a depression my family pushed me to move out. I got an apartment and had every intention to make a home for my children. Unfortunately the depression overtook me and I couldn’t care for myself, let alone my kids.
I would often go back to our house to get things… clothes, files, any excuse to go back. My ex grew frustrated and kept warning me not to come back. I was determined to show her that she didn’t have that kind of control over me. I came as I pleased and I was certainly not going to let her control me anymore.
Inevitably my visits would end up in fierce screaming matches. She would taunt me and yell at me to leave her house. This would make me irate and I would scream louder. She always retaliated by calling the police. She told them she was feeling threatened and the police were there in an instant. It was somewhat crazy – the police had no legal right to remove me from my marital home – yet they were obligated to answer the call. She did this with my kids at home so she couldn’t lie and say I was physical with her. She wasn’t satisfied with ruining my life – she was determined to ruin me and was happy to sacrifice the kids well being for her selfish pursuits.
The effect on me was massive. I sunk from depression to despair and stopped functioning. I didn’t leave my apartment, I didn’t see my children, I didn’t go to work. I ceased to exist and was not able to help myself.
My family finally intervened and brought me to the hospital. I was hospitalized and was put on anti-depressants. I went through weeks of counselling in an effort to bring me back to a functioning member of society.
I have made great strides to regain my life. What I haven’t been able to get past is her calling the police on me. What I didn’t know was that calling the police during a divorce was “a thing”. Apparently many women use it as a strategy during their divorce. The police are obligated to come when they get a domestic abuse call. I have subsequently met many men who have experienced this. One man I met told me how during his separation his wife called the police and said he pushed her. The police came and arrested him. He sat in jail for 2 nights as it was the weekend. When he finally got in front of a judgel, it came out that his ex hit him first and he simply pushed her off to protect himself. But it doesn’t really matter – damage was done!
I am doing much better now. I feel it is important for my story to be told as had I known that calling the police was a “thing”, I would not have kept going back. I would have figured out how to protect myself in those situations and never ended up in such an awful place.
Len, 48
Anonymous
Believe me its not just women who do this !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lizzy McPhee
Unless otherwise stated people who have physically separated are looking for space.Perhaps it is because one has some kind of relationship going on already or is contemplating one.Unless it is clearly stated that you are “going back together” it could be just a lot of dead time.Hurt people don’t do dead time well.If a party is seriously adjusting and wants to get on with their life the worse thing the ex can probably do is deposit themselves on the doorstep.The partner is adjusting to new schedules,routines,relying on different resources,and probably just needs space.I felt like I couldn’t have my supportive female friends around me in my home if my ex was living out the fumes of our joint lives. I still loved him,there was no one else in my life and he was a really good guy but it kept me not moving forward or backward.I suspect that this guy’s ex just needed to move on and how does anyone do that with the elephant in the room . It is invasive and it discourages any further movement for the previous partner. So, really this man was clearly becoming a problem and felt that he had the right to occupy her space when he had one of his own. She could have put her coat on when he showed up,asked how long he intended to visit with the children and then returned at that time. Eventually he might have realized that she was not interested in visiting with him or even going about her duties ignoring him.She chose to have him removed.He even,at the time of his writing,doesn’t seem to accept that breaking up means just that. The individuals determine how they want to use their time. It is hard for both parties but people who feel as if there is no hope left for a relationship. They have to move on and no one ever really moves on if they can’t live their own lives when they are still trying to leave huge spaces in their lives for their ex.Priorities change.I feel sorry for this fellow but really everything isn’t about him and his needs.
Corruptlegalsystem
I agree. My ex husband refuses to stay away from my home. He shows up intoxicated demanding to visit our son. I refuse to allow him into my home to visit him when he is in that state. He then retaliates, by going to the hospital claiming that I attacked him, when I simply pushed him off of me and out my door. He completely exaggerated making up a completely pathetic story at the hospital, stating how he is this poor victim of MY abuse & I attacked him because I was mad at him for having a couple of beers (he’s a raging,falling down drunk who guzzlers alcohol ato 5am until passes out)..but the police were called and 2 months later on my way to work I get a phone call from the police that there’s a warrant for my arrest & there’s another warrant that they are trying to get.Apparently my ex husband went to the hospital and did this twice a month apart each time that he showed up and I refused to allow him inside he turned around and claimed I assaulted him. The police refused to listen to anything I said so I calked my attorney & turned myself into the police & immediately applied for a restraining order against him and it was denied!!.The court gave him a restraining order against ME..& on top of it..He lied to the police and told them that he lives at MY address..The court forced me and my son to leave our house,& they called dcf on me (dcf dropped everything),but the court is refusing to drop anything. I have applied 7 times each time he contacts me,or threatens me, I send all my evidence of his abuse towards me and my son & the court STILL refuses to drop the charges. He is allowed to come and go from MY HOME THAT I PAY FOR!!!.& EVEN BROKE INSIDE..I called the police when he broke down my door & the police refused to arrest him..they said I shouldn’t have locked him out its his house!!!..I can not even believe what the police are getting away with doing to me and my child..WE HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR OVER 2 YEARS!!!..& The police are allowing this man to use the legal system against me & my innocent child!!..My attorney told me there’s nothing I can do but stay away from my house & move out of the town because the cops can do anything they want & get away with it. This is appalling and is completely unjust, I can’t even call anyone for help & am forced to allow my ex husband to run my life by using the cops against me as blackmail. I am now forced to live with family & struggling to get all of my belongings out of my home asap before he sells or destroys everything I work for..The police are doing this to me as retaliation due to a case brought against them 10 years ago that I won for negligence and assault against me after 2 undercover cops attacked me in a store parking lot because they thought I was someone else!!!..They didn’t even check my ID until after they dragged me from my vehicle,with my child and 2 nieces in the car whow witnessed the assault..They then checked my ID and saw that I was not who they were looking for & just an innocent bystander..Anyways long story short..I HAVE BEEN SEVERELY HARRASSED,THREATENED, AND SHUNNED BY MY LOCAL POLICE SINCE THAT LAWSUIT & NOW THEY ARE USING MY EX HUSBAND AS A WEAPON AGAINST ME AND THE COURT IS REFUSING TO PROVIDE ME WITH PROTECTION AGAINST THIS MAN!!!..This has been dragging on and on for monthsale and months..My attorney wants to take it to trial because I AM INNOCENT & HAVE TONS OF EVIDENCE TO PROVE MY EX HUSBAND IS A COMPLETE LIVING SCUM OF THE EARTH..I am more angry at the police and the courts for refusing to help me & allowing this man to put me and my child out of MY HOME THAT I PAY FOR ALONE..I DO NOT EVEN GET CHILD SUPPORT FROM MY EX,HE REFUSES TO WORK & THE COURTS DO NOTHING TO HIM!!..THE ENTIRE LEGAL SYSTEM IS FULL OF EVIL CORRUPT SCUM OF THE EARTH!!!
WomenAreNeverHonest
Good. I’m very happy that you are getting fucked over. You are a liar and you deserve a jail sentence.
I doubt you paid for any house or anything at all really. You bitch moan and complain about everything, especially being held accountable and you hate it. Welcome to life you stupid bitch.
I hope you go to prison, you fucking liar.
Paul Nyland
I can see no reason why you would post such a caustic response to someone’s post except that you must be projecting some very dark experiences of your own. Perhaps someone has hurt you badly, done you over, I don’t know? But I think it’s reasonable to take someones post in good faith unless there is anything in it that screams something fishy. I dont see anything here.
jbmoocs
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
Seriously adjusting does not mean ruining someone’s life:
Okay but look at it like this. Imagine the following: Some kind of sect invented a social system where men had total ownership of children. These men then invented an ideology of grievance which enabled them to get tax funded divorces. In this divorce process they obtained ownership of the children; 50% of the assets; 30 % of the income of their working ex-wives; $ 40,000 – $ 50,000 of taxpayer funds per year so they could put themselves on a benefit and live a life a relative leisure.
Imagine the ex- wives, the mothers of the children, who loved the children with all their hearts; crying at home in their dismal flats because they were not allowed to see them; condemned as bonded labourers to eke out a living, because most of their disposable income was expropriated for the benefit of the custodial parent who oppressed them; hanging themselves in despair; burning themselves outside parliament in protest of the Family Court putting them through a sham process.
Would anyone care ?
If men really knew to what extent they were oppressed they would rise up.
The only thing I will get out this is some form of court-ordered supervised contact for 2 hrs. Spend 12 weeks doing an anger programme, featuring feminist indoctrination. For something I’m completely innocent of remember, everything was given to my ex parte on mere 50/50 probability that she and the kids may be killed at my hands. You reckon that’s against human rights, draconian even, cos I do.
Sally
Why do men ring police just for u trying to get closure from them
Nay
Yes! Perfect point!
Bad man
They absolutely do! mine did & all I wanted was to talk to get closure! What a pig!
Lady 1980
This doesn’t just happen to couples. A professor called the police because I e-mailed saying how he should take it easy on me because I like him a lot. He didn’t want his wife to get jealous, so he called the police to my parents residence. It is abuse of power and underhanded power struggles by fueled by petty cowards. Forgiveness makes them feel scared, too! They don’t trust anyone and are cruel, flirt like crazy and bully with no shame.
Corruptlegalsystem
I KNOW!!!.My ex husband is a narcissistic psychopath who is completely ruining mine & my child’s life with his deceitful lies and false accusations to the police about me. I have been a nurse for over 15 years & he is trying to Sabato get my career by accusing me of assaulting him
J
Oh my goodness. I am in this position too. My husband age 64 went off with a 30 year old girl. Instead of allowing me to get on with my life they have called the police with a whole load of false accusations. He was charged with domestic assault when he pushed me in front of witnesses. The police have been very supportive to me but have “procedures” to follow. My husband is is a narcissistic liar and his girlfriend is pushing him for money from all of my assets. We were together for 16 years but just married for 4. I have been to hell and back and they still won’t keave me alone. I am at my wits end. I have had amazing support from Womens aid.
Corruptlegalsystem
My ex husband had me arrested even though he is the one assaulting me. I have contacted abuse shelters numerous times in desperate need of help because of this man & they keep turning me away claiming that there are no open beds in the entire state!!..I have called them over a dozen times in the past year & everything I am turned away!!
Mz. Gucci
Seriously…. My ex started texting me last night trying to talk down on me, I text back saying thank you but I’m not interested, my guy best friend text him and told him to just leave me alone…. Within 5 min we both received a text saying the police have been called and they will be seeing us shortly but they never showed
Red Moon
Hi could you please msg me @[email protected]
OTC
Nope, it’s not. My ex won’t let me leave and he won’t leave. It was my birthday yesterday and he was being such a jerk I told him I’m taking the kids to my dad’s and he can see them whenever he wants. He called the cops when I got home from work after picking up the kids and he called the cops on me saying I was drunk and he feared for my kids lives. Are you serious? Just another control tactic.
Disted
100% true! My ex husband did it to me, even lied to cops to get me in jail, yet he was one who started violent behavior! What scum!
Disted
And many years later, ex husband still tries to set me up to get me arrested & in jail and we haven’t spoken in years! Pathetic!
Betty Paquette
Domestic abuse is devastating to all who are involved. Children are the most innocent of victims and potentially the most damaged. Current laws, rules and protocols are outdated and harmful.
Marriage/co-habitation is a contract that in its current state must be changed as well as earned. Courses could be created for high school and college/universities to teach the skills and supply the tools such as negotiation and compromise to create a successful union. The needs, expectations, wants, desires and goals for the future must be agreed upon. Conflict resolution, division of resources and chores, financial needs and expectations and faith and value systems must be discussed. Courses on child rearing exploring expectations, discipline styles, cost of raising a child, current laws etc. should be mandatory.
Current divorce laws as well as procedures must also change. Being forced to remain in the marital home for financial reasons is a recipe for disaster. A divorce must be earned, the separation immediate and the financials attended to by a third party to ensure fairness. Counselling to address the unresolved issues should be mandatory for at least six months. Children must receive counselling as needed and made a priority and placed with the parent least likely to cause damage otherwise with family or court appointed guardian. If the separation is contentious then a third party must mediate on the behalf of the children keeping a safe distance between the parents.
Resolving the issues and creating a co-parenting plan that is revisited on a regular basis is the goal to be earned before a divorce may be granted. The financials after the necessities are resolved should be to the benefit of the children until their education is complete or have reached the age of majority.
These are my thoughts on potential solutions. You may use them or lose them.
BS
You haven’t said sh%%t.
happy now
I agree absolutely with Betty Paquette. I know of lawyers, doctors, counsellors who are unable to help due to the inadequate laws. When a person seeks help to save a marriage then the laws should help not hinder. Teen children should not be permitted to choose one parent over the other unless counselling has been mandated and they have explained their reasoning. This right to choose should come with the responsibility of explaining. This way one parent cannot ‘play’ the children….which is harmful to those children. Also, when entering marriage I think it important that a ‘contract’ is made for the expectations of employment, raising children, chores, finances, responsibility for making healthy choices – physically and mentally so that there is not a drain on the whole family by one persons poor choices, apathy or inaction. And mandatory counselling when one party asks for it – a spouse cannot help with depression if the ‘unwell’ person refuses to seek help yet is in no fit state to make that decision, and becomes threatening when the spouse is trying to help. We need to understand that love alone cannot make a marriage….it is similar to a business partnership and when one party stops turning up for work the business will either be sustained by the other working doubly hard to compensate…..or the business will fold.
Anonymous
Yes I am in a nasty divorce she would shove my shoulder trying to get me to fire back. I had raised my kids for 7 years as she had to have a restaurant. She had called for divorce 3 times in 17 years of marriage I finally called for the divorce her last statement before I left is if I had a gun I would shoot you. She had attacked me with a knife before so I did not take it lightly. 16 years of emotional abuse once I learned what emotional abuse. She had told me she was going to break me shared parenting but hadn’t seen my kids in a year as she admitted about calling me down in an sworn statement. She is on her 4th lawyer yes I am going broke and sinking into depression Seems the system don’t care about any of this as I am willing to give up half and move on as with my kids (3) they as old enough to realize it takes 2 to have a relationship. Can’t talk directly to her as everything is about her only so sit on a fence waiting for the lawyer to do something. Just want to pick up the pieces and move on can relate to Len’s statement.
Soon to be single
I’m going through divorce I want to have no arguments no talking for the children while all my wife does is call the cops every night I sit in the family room and watch TV or play with my daughter and a cop show up she says I hit her I’ve never hit a woman in my life but yet the cops told me it’s probably best if I move out my lawyer tells me to try to make it work until the divorce is final I don’t know what to do I stay I do nothing I’m silent I don’t talk to her I ignore her as if she wasn’t even here and focus on my daughter and she continuously calls the cops on me for nothing it’s kind of a joke at this point the cop show up and ask what happen I say absolutely nothing and they said that if she wanted to cut her hand she could say I did it and I’ll go to Jail. WTF
Robin Spencer
Here is one for the books, my soon to be ex has been physically, emotionally and financially abusive in the 8 years we have been a couple. I have known him almost 30years knew he was an alcoholic with a drug hx. I looked past that, we were in counseling. All of a sudden his. Behavior changed, phone calls, not coming home as he had as long as I had known him. Then he was Dr heckle Mr Hyde, I told a friend he was baiting me to fight with him which I tried not to do. Thelrout the summer he would ask for a divorce then change his mind. In August we went on vacation I barely saw him he was gone or on his phone. I was angry so I stayed a day longer.that night at 3am files from my home computer downloaded to my phone. I was passed he didn’t have any explanation. Bfinally August 31 we got into another argument he grabbed me I called police he went tool his brothers. The next am I went to the DV Center 10 min after they opened and he was there! We got mutual restraining orders, the one against me has been rescinded by 3 judges, he has had me arrested twice for alleged violations those have finally been dismissed. However he claims I violated a no contact order because of 7 voice mails. I don’t know what he’s talking about. I’m sure he has altered the phone in some way. My cell phone has been hacked for more than a year. All calls to me went to some voice mail. Now I am waiting for this new warrant to be issued. If I get arrested driving I will loose what little I have. He has prevented me from getting any belongings had people call me but the police do nothing. I also have not been able to access the D V system because he is claiming to be the victim. Why don’t they look at their reports and see I called several times in the years prior to the divorce he didn’t.
Men
I am agreed with you.some of the fucking bitch make disrespectful other women. My wife trying to do sane thing with me.we are merried 16 years and have two kids.I tried my best to give everything to my family. I brought my house close to her mother house,always saport her family,leave my family and friends because she wants.all of our savings she keeps and she spent money on what she wants.but two years ago when I have lost my job I stat asking about savings then she stat showing her real face.first she claimed its her money then house, kids and asking me to divorce her.she acting like bitch and force me to leave the house. It’s all most two years now just few days ago she start a Argo with my oldest daughter 12 and start hitting her .I stop her and keep my kids with me but I don’t realised it is a trep.she call police without inform us.when the police came she told I am aggresive and trying to hit her.police didn’t listen any what I told. They told I have to leave the house now otherwise gonna arrest me. I was shocked but just listen them.I was thinking to kill myself but then the police came back and ask me u can take your Stef with u and come back tomorrow its does happen. I just recovered myself and phone my work mate.he help me to stay in his house that night. I back my house next day but dont know what to do …..
Steve
So this is all new for me, my Wife has Been talking to guy that she brought to our Church. This man tried to Commit Suicide and I told her I didn’t trust him. Guess who she been messing with. This a year ago I met him. I just found out this Friday caught her!! And she went to Florida with my Son!!! I told her I didn’t want him around him!!! She left the state with my Son!!! So anyone gone through this??? I need advice !!!??
Saw It Coming
Most divorces are initiated by women. 30% of men never see it coming, because they brush off women’s complaints for years. Love is slow to anger, but it’s not infinite. She finally gave you the boot and, again, you refused to listen. It was always about what you thought. What you wanted. She told you to leave with words and force, but you refused to listen. If you have no respect for other people’s boundaries, STALKER. Why did you think you could have a relationship?